


that's the way i loved you

by Anonymous



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Angst, Betrayal, Lovers To Enemies, M/M, Secret Identity, Spies & Secret Agents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-21
Updated: 2021-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-26 06:14:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30101541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Renjun and Mark are sent on a mission outside of the Institution. Only one of them comes back.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Mark Lee
Kudos: 14
Collections: Neon Street-lights





	that's the way i loved you

**Author's Note:**

> title from taylor swift's that's the way i loved you

Renjun’s childhood had always felt like a bitter edge of memories, waiting to be unwrapped. He could never recall much of it without a bitter pain concealed in his mouth. 

The years spent within the Institution’s walls as a child were as coddling as the winter wind outside. He hated how early they had to get up; the way it was as if titles meant more than companionship. Everything, from the early silence to the bitter laughter, made his desires for something else grow. 

However, he knew he would never leave. The citizens of the Institution were protected inside the walls; the outside dealt with scarcity and unbalance, things they were protected from. 

Not a single person who had left, survived.

But other than the unspoken wishes balanced between his eyes, something else kept his days busy: Mark, who had been forced behind their walls a few years after the beginning of Renjun’s training.

He could still remember the day vividly; the dark lights of the entrance seemed to sag before the door was launched open. Seconds later, an astonishing boom resonated through the academy. Loud sounds were normal; booms for predatoring societies were understandable. 

However, the body was not.

Renjun looked at the body that had flopped from the entrance into his arms and rushed them to the infirmary, protocol undetected. Even the commanding officer couldn’t force Renjun to stop in the hallway; he darted out of his grasp. Something told his heart that he couldn’t afford time to stop and listen to the rules, leaving the body without medical attention.

After, he would go through several rounds of basic training and scolding for disobeying what he had learned for the past few years. But overall, it was a win for Renjun. He gained Mark.

Mark became like a sixth limb to him; they ate together, trained together, and grew up together. It was only natural that the two of them would become romantically interlinked. 

And it was real. Real for anyone who saw the two of them; laced fingers and chocolate chuckles running around the facility. After graduating from training (Mark a few years after Renjun), they both took jobs close by; Mark in the training facility as a teacher, and Renjun as a nurse for injuries instilled in the basis of training. 

If one was to interview a youngling of the facility, they would mention the habit of Teacher Mark to gaze in the direction of the infirmary several times a day, and the sweet way Renjun would drop off healing students with a smile directed to Mark. They would mention flowers produced out of the thin air. They would think back to the past years of love and packs flown aside for hugs. One would remember the way the two of them sat in the only portion of the institution that was outside; pungent of cut grass. 

It was strange for passersby to see. After all, what did they have in common when Mark refused to mention what was outside the walls to anyone? Whispers of envy spread—how could Renjun share a bed with someone commonly suspected to be a spy? 

Command used them as an example of foolishness. But the rest of the crowd had chosen to watch their relationship with a smile, something to live vicariously through. 

One common occasion against the fading of the summer and the resignation of fall brought them outside. Renjun’s head was against Mark’s shoulder. Their hands were interlinked. They did not talk, simply choosing to sit and feel the breeze. Renjun pressed his shoulder against Mark’s; he could feel his heart beating. It reminded him of simpler times. A look up at Mark, and Renjun instantly knew he was thinking the same.

Though fun had never been encouraged by the diligent teachers, Renjun and Mark had found time to sneak out of class, faking sickness to sit beneath the hickory tree. Sneaking beneath the branches, they devoured games that had been discovered, dug from beneath the soil. It was the best memory Renjun possessed.

All of a sudden, the sound of two buzzers rang through the courtyard. It was a signal for a collective gathering in the auditorium. Mark and Renjun slowly got to their feet, hoping to savor their time outside. Inside, they followed the whispering crowd down to the auditorium. The directions of the Main had gotten louder and more frantic over the past few days; no one knew why, though people theorized.

Following the crowd, though doing nothing but blending in, Renjun and Mark made their way to their assigned spots. Nurses were put in the front in case of any injury in the crowd, valuable to a higher extent. Teachers were assigned a place against the wall, sitting, looking for rowdy students to silence. 

The Commander stood in front of the audience, her smile greeting the thousand gathered. 

“I’m sorry to inform you all that our Command has created a problem that we must solve.” A titter ran through the crowd. She did nothing to stop it, her head bowed in gratefulness. Renjun had to admire her. For all that her cold demeanor lacked, she was nothing but the leader the Institution required in her rigidness.

“There’s a mission. Outside the Institution. We need a qualified license and a healer.” A crowd brushed through the murmur. The two citizens that had been sent out a few years ago had never come back. They served a reminder of what the outside couldn’t offer: security. The crowd grew to silence. No one wanted the task of leaving. They had grown up with stories of what the outside held. It was to be feared.

Renjun squeezed his hand a little tighter. He tried to think of all the healers on board that could go other than him. They would never sacrifice any of the head nurses, nor the pitiful nurses that could barely stitch wounds back together. That left, he scanned the seats near him, three other people. Him, Lucas, Yerim, and Yuqi. He took a deep breath, and tried to think rationally.

“Based on the stats of our nurses, with thorough analysis,” The Commander plowed on, “We hope Huang Renjun will take the stand for us.” 

He bristled with nervousness. All eyes were on him. He stood up with a determined face. 

Before the Commander could say another word, a single voice ran through the auditorium. 

“I’ll go, too. You need a license.” Mark stood up as if he was volunteering to serve dinner. A hush ran over the crowd. Renjun looked to Mark in terror. He had always been solid in their relationship but...to this extent? It didn't make sense to Renjun. 

Sacrificing one’s life was one giant step away from everything Mark meant to him. Renjun frowned. What was he doing?

The Commander broke though Renjun’s thoughts with a grateful nod towards Mark. “Thank you for stepping up, Teacher Mark.” A wave of gratitude broke among the teachers; Renjun watched several pass handshakes and smiles to Mark.

Renjun tried to keep his footsteps light as a pathway formed up to the stage. He kept pace with the sound of his beating heart; hurried steps dug the carpeting into the ground. 

Once on stage, he bowed twice; once, to the Commander, another, to the audience in front of him. Mark was making his way to the stage too; Renjun could hear his thoughtful steps, heavy on his left and light on his right. But Renjun kept his eyes to the back of the room. At this point, he could barely remember his own name. The panic that had engulfed him from the announcement was overwhelming. 

And worse of all, he thought, shutting his eyes, it was making him reexamine his love for Mark. 

Down to the wire, Renjun couldn’t be positive he’d risk his life just for Mark. The amount that Mark was sacrificing for him was...irrevocable. 

Then again, he contemplated, looking at Mark, maybe this was just his personality. Jumping into things too quickly, a brave-hearted lion among a cast of snakes. 

Another set of instructions were instructed; Renjun ignored it for further examination of the lines on Mark’s face. He looked relaxed. Renjun made a weak attempt to breathe. Something felt off. Renjun just couldn’t figure out what the hell Mark was playing at. 

The Commander had dismissed the rest of the crowd at that point; Renjun smiled until the last person had left. Then, ignoring the incredulous look on the Commander’s face, he strolled over to Mark.

“What are you doing?” He asked. “What’s the purpose...why did you?”

“I wanted to help you.” He pleaded. There was a strange glint in his eye. Renjun paused, waiting for a different answer, one more certain. But Mark said nothing more. 

With their audience of one, Renjun decided to press further another day. He took his right hand in his left as the Commander approached them. At a closer angle, her wrinkles stood out against the white lighting. It was shocking to Renjun, who had recalled the Commander looking as young as she had twenty years ago when she had personally inspected his work at his desk.

“Well, gentleman.” She nodded at the both of them. “Allow me to be the first to congratulate you two in being the lucky bearers of this honor.” A pause. Renjun doubted anyone else would congratulate them.

“We have a very special task for the two of you. There’s been sounds from other Institutions nearby that the City of the North has been stirring up trouble.” She drew herself up to her full height. “As one of the founding Institutions, born to break away from the City, we must go and provide assistance. Mark, your knowledge will be required to navigate the terrain and speak diplomatically with the City Leaders in helping keep our peace. Renjun, we hope your medical skills will not be required. We hope the two of you will help make sure the City stays within their guidelines.” She took a short breath at this point. 

After a moment of silence, she sighed. "Get some rest tonight. You'll leave tomorrow morning. It's imperative that you let no one else know. The citizens must not panic at the sound of nothing." A small smirk fell upon her lips. Renjun wondered how she could seem so delighted at the thought of sending the two of them to their death. With a wave of her hand, Mark and Renjun backed away from the stage.

They both made their way out of the auditorium without a single word uttered between the two. Renjun found himself numb. He took a long glance at the walls laid by his ancestors; bricks and steel crammed together to form an impenetrable force. He wanted to come back; he would do anything for the knowledge that he’d be able to return.

"Some speech huh?" Mark commented, holding the door to their room open for Renjun to duck under. "Basically told us nothing."

"Yeah..." Renjun wasn't in the mood to talk about it; Mark could see it in his expression. He grabbed his towel and left for the bathroom.

Renjun, with an air of grief, slid down to their bed and thought about tiny, precious miracles. He hoped and prayed to foolish gods for a safe exit.

But even with his safety on the line, Renjun couldn't stop thinking about Mark. His jump to volunteer, his reason for it...it didn't make sense in the scheme of things. Renjun knew Mark. Mark wasn't a brazen fool, jumping into the limelight for no reason. He planned and thought; he was meticulous with his actions. Nothing about his actions tonight seemed...right.

Just then, Mark walked into the room. Noticing that Renjun was already laying down, he turned off the lights.

"Hey," Renjun said, still laying down. Mark got onto the other side of the bed. Renjun could smell the familiar scent of tea wafting over. "When did you realize you loved me?" Renjun held his breath.

"Under the first rose bush that we found. When you peered over your glasses at me, and smiled." Mark said. "The moment your eyes lit up in fascination at such a sight was when I knew." Renjun frowned.

"So, why did you volunteer tonight?" This, he whispered. A moment of silence passed between the two of them. Mark shifted awkwardly away, his back facing the window in moonlight.

"I wanted to be with you." He said. "And I know that I have the power to protect you, out there. I'm the only one alive in this Institution who has been outside it; I know what lies outside." He stopped abruptly, as if there were more words he wanted to say but were unable to.

Renjun blew out a breath in annoyance. He pushed aside the glimmer of doubt he felt in his gut to move closer to Mark.

“What’s out there?” Renjun asked, voice full of worry. Mark hesitated. It was a topic the couple rarely talked about; Renjun could tell he was grappling with something internally, arguing with himself into the ground. 

Finally, he sighed. “I can’t explain it.” His voice was grueling. “You’ll have to see it for yourself.”

With nothing more to say, he turned over, and fell asleep.

  
  


Morning came with a bird's lilting call. When Renjun woke up, he had found Mark carefully looking over a map that Renjun had never seen before. It had wide red slashes across the top; black ink burrowing yellow sandy paper.

Attempting to call out his presence, he faked a yawn, rubbing his eyes as he said, "Good morning!" Once he looked again, the map was no longer there. The only thing left in his peripheral was Mark, smiling innocently, his hand outstretched towards Renjun.

While brushing his teeth, Renjun frowned. What Mark trying to hide? The map hadn’t looked like anything special. Something tugged at his gut, telling him to tell the Commander. 

But, he shrugged it off. He needed to trust Mark, the way Mark had trusted him throughout the years. The way Mark trusted him to follow his lead blindly.

The Commander met the two of them at their door. It was a rare occurrence; she barely ever ventured out of the common areas. Mark had a backpack filled with supplies in it. Renjun carried a small briefcase that expanded into a workstation and a backpack strapped to his back. 

Sunday morning meant the Institution was brimming with activity. With all the accomplishments necessary for a Sunday, the halls were left empty and silent. To Renjun’s horror, it began to feel like a resolute farewell, no one left to remember them by.

The Commander pressed two scrolls into their hands. “You’ll find all necessary instructions here.” She murmured. There was a small hesitance in her voice, as if she couldn’t bear to see them go. Renjun had never heard such emotion in her voice; it scared him beyond understanding.

Renjun looked to Mark for comfort. He was nodding, eyes trained on Renjun. Renjun shivered, feeling exposed. No fanfare left their ringing as they left; no people to see; no goal in mind. Renjun barely understood why this was necessary. The eerie doors creaked as they left. Renjun took one last glance, hoping he would find himself safe inside once more.

  
  


Their first stop brought them to the closest Institution, one that often lended new trends. The doors to the Institution were painted a rusty red; Renjun averted his eyes from the sharpness of the color. Plants flooded their way across the pathway; Renjun found himself wanting to pluck one to serve as a reminder. He did it quickly, his hands brushing the red color in an instant, the color sapping off the petals as he placed it into his pocket.

Mark knocked on the door as Renjun prepared himself. They had small items to exchange, tokens that certified their words. 

A cautious man, peering around them, let them inside the fortress walls. Then, with a huff, he pointed in the direction of Command. 

Renjun rolled his eyes as they strolled along plush carpet. “Not much of a welcome ceremony….” He muttered under his breath. The walls were decorated with much more rigor than their own. Gold lined and decorated the ceiling; marble keeled below blue emeralds. It almost made up for the empty hallways.

“You’d think they'd be more welcoming, considering the little amount of visitors they receive.” Mark said to Renjun, loosely. He was much more relaxed than Renjun, his hands swinging loosely by their side.

Renjun took another long look at the Mark by his side. He realized, with an abrupt start, that he had never seen Mark so careless. Even when the two of them had been in their room, or in their secret garden, had Renjun ever seen such openness on his face. 

He sighed. The further he reached for Mark, the greater the vast unknown of him seemed to span. At this rate, Renjun would die without understanding him.

After a few moments of walking in silence, the floor changed to a more stylish amber color, replacing the cold black stone. Each step they walked created a small indentation on the floor that faded after a few seconds, creating clacking noises.

"Nice defense." Mark said thoughtfully. "Alerts Command for intruders."

"And looks nice." Renjun added, looking at each and every door for some sense of similarity of home. It was such a stark difference from their Institution, confusing for Renjun. He had thought all Institutions would be as sterile as his. So why did this one boast color and creativity?

"It's been mostly a visual choice, but helpful in the defense regard." The Commander's voice rang out strongly in front of them. He shook their hands. Renjun examined his clothing. Standing next to him, Renjun could feel the energy and nature fall off him.

His words and actions, throughout their entire exchange, made it simply quite obvious how easily he ran the Institution. A steady hand that merely scolded those with disobeyed.

They had dinner together; the Commander declaring the two of them as guests of honor.

In one instance during the night, Renjun mentioned his frame of thought. "You're so different from our Commander." He remarked briefly, bringing his wine glass back up to his lips.

The Commander chuckled softly. "I suppose I do run things with more ease than my sister. Not that that's any of her fault. She deals with more, being closer to the South City. Here in the middle, we tend to mellow out. You see the art around you?" He asked, jaw gesturing towards the several swirls of colors on canvas. "We've switched them out throughout the years, but they've all been created in house." He sighed, cutting into his food. "There's just less rules and boundaries around here."

Renjun was grappling with all that had been said; but one thing stood out. "Your sister?" He asked, in mild disbelief. After all, the day had already proven itself to be surprising; it seemed that nothing would surprise him anymore.

The Commander nodded. "We're all relatives; the Commanders of each Institution. You'll be out to see my aunt soon." He cleared his throat. "You see, we created this world, this system of Institutions."

"And how has no one found out?" Renjun cried, though he already knew the answer.

The Commander smirked. "I'm sure you know. No one travels around, much. It's just how it's always been."

"So why are you telling us?" Renjun said, feeling his heart sinking.

"You already know why." A silence flew through the air at the first words Mark had uttered that night. "Lamb to the slaughter, right?" Mark grimaced. The rest of the gallery room was rambunctious. The dead silence brought about on their table didn’t seem to apply to the rest of the room. The chandeliers remained sparkling; the music remained uplifting and cheerful.

The Commander nodded. "The mission of yours is important; I have more of the details here. You'll understand sooner or later." He held out a long script of paper. "I received this letter from your Commander for you."

Renjun waited for Mark to take it, but he merely looked at Renjun. He decidedly took the scroll; the words were scrambled. 

“I don’t know what this means.” Renjun confessed. 

Mark took it from his hands. “Oh. Just some instructions for me.” He tucked it into the pocket of his pants. 

“What does it say?” Renjun asked.

Mark shrugged. “Oh, nothing much. Just diplomacy tactics and all. Don’t worry; I think everything will be fine. Commander doesn’t seem to be worried about our mission.”

“When does she seem worried?” Renjun pondered. 

Mark didn’t respond, already lost in his own thoughts.

  
  


The rest of the Institutions they visited blended into each other, shaped of the same values under the same sky. But something had changed. The look on Mark's face changed gradually with every step they took. He became louder; more welcoming. As if the thought of understanding his death had cheered his soul up. With every day grew Renjun's reluctance towards Mark.

The very last Institution they visited was a ghost town; no one longer resided. Renjun took the cold air as a warning sign and knew this would be his last chance to talk to Mark.

He knew something was up with Mark. His change in disposition scared Renjun; he wanted some reminder that Mark was still the same person he fell in love with.

Renjun tried to look for Mark in the room he had set up in his office but, he wasn’t there. Stumped, Renjun sat on the desk he had claimed, legs swinging in wait. His heart was full, but worried. He knew that talking to him tonight risked their ability to communicate tomorrow, but he also understood that going into a mental battlefield required a partner he would trust his life with.

Renjun scanned the room in anticipation. He tried to curb his worries by looking out the window. This Institution was a few miles away from the North City; snow fell upon the windows. He felt an urgency to open the window, to let the fresh wind decorate the hasty atmosphere. The windows felt as though they hadn’t been opened in hundreds of years; Renjun shook them with force. 

In his attempt to open the windows, a book fell from a high shelf, leaving dust on the ground. Renjun flinched at the noise, before realizing it had been an inanimate object behind him.

Gingerly, he pinched the book up. The front was blank, but it was soft and warm; Renjun had to guess that it was made of expensive leather. 

He flipped to the first page, a familiar signature found at the very bottom: Mark’s. Next, he moved onto the second page. It revealed nothing about the contents of the book, just a scribbled picture of a family: two people with three miniature people. Each of the bigger people had crowns on their head. Renjun frowned. Mark could draw? 

He flipped to the next page, finding notes tapped, yellow and faded. The contents gave Renjun pause. They were written with such clear affection, but it wasn’t jealousy that filled Renjun; rather, confusion filled his body. The notes were signed from a ‘mom’, who was ‘waiting for the day you’ll come back and stand in your rightful place on the throne’. The notes urged of bravery and careful plotting. 

If Renjun was understanding it right…

His mind buzzed with activity. He flipped to the next page. A miniature sketch of their Institution, the guards that lay in wait, the Commander’s room, everything filled two pages. He turned the page once more, and found the second Institution drawn to its likeness there. 

After the pages filled with architectural drawings lay plans of infiltration. Renjun watched in horror as the life he had once knew crumbled before his feet. 

Mark was...Renjun shrieked at the very thought. He threw the book down on the ground.

Renjun took a step back from the book, which now lay at his feet, full of treacherous ideas.

He whirled around, determined to leave. But Mark was there at the door, standing in his way. 

Heart racing, Renjun scooped up the book. He knew what power lay in it; he couldn’t afford Mark getting a hold of it. 

With a determined stare, he held it up for Mark to see. “What’s this?” Renjun stiffened, his feet taking him closer and closer to the entrance. He knew he should’ve started running at that very moment. But his heart betrayed him, broken and soiled. Mark had let go of his wits, clearly reassured that Renjun had not taken at peek inside. He moved farther away from the only exit.

“Just a book. Nothing more. Can I have it back?” Mark pleaded, putting his hands together, gaining ground towards Renjun. 

Renjun felt his heart slowly fading into obscurity “Lying to me again?” He sighed. “I’ve found your treasonous plans, Mark. I just don’t know what you’re trying to do...why...” His words fell off. 

Mark gave up his facade in an instant. He shrugged. “You’re coming with me, either way. I have to help my dad; our kingdom must be whole once more. You won’t get hurt in the Kingdom; I promise.” It was as Mark uttered the words that Renjun realized he had no idea who was standing in front of him, grinning.

“But what does your...father want with me?” Renjun asked, his mind running along. He knew he couldn’t possibly defeat Mark with force. 

“He wants me back at his side.” Mark admitted, face loosening. “I’ve gained all information needed to storm your Institution and take back our rightful land. But it would be suspicious if I went alone, wouldn’t it? I mean…” He paused at the window, light shining straight onto his face. “Everyone’s been always so suspicious about me. The only person who has never suspected me to be a spy has been…”  _ you. _ the word went undetected. Renjun could feel his heart sink. 

“Once I come back, the King will call me the rightful heir to the throne. I’ll no longer have this lowly job of a teacher.”

“So you’ve been faking it?” Renjun felt as though his worst fears were being confirmed

“For years.” Mark breathed.

“And it was always fake? Did you ever love me?” Renjun asked again, daring Mark. It couldn’t have been, right?

Mark smirked; it was the sign that told Renjun whatever he might have felt in the past was over. “If you come without force, we can discuss terms.” He purred, drawing himself closer and closer within reach of Renjun. 

Renjun mockingly pouted. Mark was off to the right, examining the falling snow. Renjun held his breath, inching closer and closer to the door. “Just give me a few moments to think.” He managed to utter. 

Then in one large motion, he reached for the doorknob.

It was locked. Mark turned around with a grin. 

“So you’ve chosen force?” He said. The expression on his face quickly sobered as he noticed Renjun prying a window open. He attempted to run across the room, to catch him, but Renjun had already uttered a small prayer before jumping down. 

Renjun didn’t look back. His only motive was getting as far as he could before Mark eventually ensnared him again. It was inevitable; Mark had eyes on the road and the resources of a whole kingdom. Renjun barely knew which way was south.

The hunt continued into the night; Renjun traveled by way of moonlight; adrenaline pulsing through his veins. He had found a road to travel along, a hood covering his head from external forces. Though he was convinced every crackle and pop was Mark, he didn’t encounter him for the next few days. Even when Renjun set down camp to rest for the night, he was convinced that Mark would stand above his body when he woke up. Though, there was nothing left but dust and dirt. When he woke up, he found the red petal in his hand from the first Institution. It stained his hands bloody red, a reminder of all that had been lost. Renjun had never been confident about this mission, but he had been confident in Mark. And now, that was all gone. He could barely convince himself to continue moving.

But just then, a bell chimed. Renjun looked in the direction of the bell instinctively.

_ Home. _

He felt himself sign in relief. The last steps he took were slow and weary. The exhaustion was finally catching up to the pure adrenaline running through his body. He banged on the door, sliding down the floor. He was, truly exhausted.

His guard was no longer up. Mark could be in front of him and he still wouldn’t move. He felt safe with the door plastered to the back.

He slumped over in the dirt, unable to hold himself up anymore.

“Renjun? Renjun?” The lights were blurry; he was finally back in the base. “Home.” He breathed in, and out then out.

“We’re losing him. Get Head Nurse.”

A hand brushed his hair. “Whatever happened to you?” It murmured with emotion. Renjun kept a tight grip on the notebook in his hand.

And as Renjun’s eyes closed, he saw Mark underneath his eyelids. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much to the mods for the extension, and for being genuinely encouraging throughout this process - i really appreciate it <3
> 
> let me know what you thought of this !!! kudos and comments are, always, super appreciated :)
> 
> have a nice day !!!!


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